Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Don’t make me out nice you.