Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The USS B port
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Rather alarming headline…
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.