George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
c’mon!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.