Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.