Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
me before I type out affect or effect
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs