tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Morning.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad