Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My first son he is wonderful