Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne