A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.