I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.