i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”