Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING