Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Blew out my flip flop…
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.