[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”