Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Steam Forums
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.