The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Canada has crack?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Morning my dudes.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.