In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️