Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
multitasking lunch
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”