my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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Don’t tell me what to do
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night