My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Finally, a door that understands me
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.