an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist