[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Have a lovely day 😊
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.