Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
we’re gonna need another temp
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.