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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Spring of Deception
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET