And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children