Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Trumpy Cat
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you