Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
My circle of trust is a meatball
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?