Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
guys i’ve cracked the code
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up