87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐