If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time