*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
rise and shine we got egg
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
#dnd #ttrpg
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.