To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.