Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are