Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Baller is short for ballerina
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor