How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.