[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.