I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
You Might Also Like
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.