This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
You Might Also Like
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.