me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Can Happiness buy money?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.