people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I occasionally drink every single night.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.