Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids