Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Pringles
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
what it’s like dating me:
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.