For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.