Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do