I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car