Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen