Tik Tok is a national treasure.
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
🖤✌🏽
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.