How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…