I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You Might Also Like
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.