*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
is this a threat
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Tell the colonel to bring it
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?